With Christmas just a few days away, I thought it would be fun to make some Couch Detective on-brand cookies. I recently participated in a Secret Santa gift exchange and received a crime scene cookie cutter that I’ve been dying (pun intended) to try out. Let me tell you…I have learned that not only am I not cut out for baking, but I probably shouldn’t be doing any projects I see on Pinterest. While I think I salvaged what could have been classified as a major fail, I don’t think anyone is going to have me write for a baking blog any time soon. So in case you are wondering, here is how NOT to bake crime scene cookies:
Purchase store-bought cookie dough and completely ignore when the package tells you to add 1/4 cup of flour to the dough for use with a cookie cutter. Instead, just dump a TON of flour all over the dough and say to yourself, “Yep…good enough!”
Use the cookie cutter to make the desired cookie shape. Immediately get frustrated and decide that the shapes look stupid. Dump more flour all over the dough. That should help.
Make giant circular cookies instead. Use the cookie cutter to create imprints of the desired shape in your circular cookies. Make sure that the cookies are so close together that they will make one giant smush when they bake.
At this point your cookies should look like this:
4. Get so caught up in taking a picture of your progress that you leave the plastic (yes I said plastic) cookie cutter on the baking sheet.
5. Totally disregard that you made your cookies way too big for the suggested bake time. Bake them for that time anyway.
6. Pull the cookies out of the oven when they are still so under-baked that they are a goopy mess. Panic when you realize you’ve also baked your cookie cutter. Laugh hysterically when you see the cookies have started to bake in to one giant lump.
7. Mush the goo back into four individual balls resembling cookies. Take your cookie cutter off the baking sheet with your bare hands and burn the crap out of your fingers. Take the pain like a champ. There is no crying in cookie baking.
8. Put the cookies back in the oven. Pay no attention to how much time they have been in there and bake them another 2 minutes.
9. Bake them another 2 minutes.
10. Bake them another 2 minutes to be safe. Make sure they are burnt.
11. Text your bestie about how much you suck at baking. (If you haven’t gotten her a Christmas gift yet, you should get some ideas from this post)
12. Let the cookies cool. Be proud of the one smart thing you’ve done in your baking adventure.
13. Use vanilla icing to frost the cookies. Put so much on that when you eat them you will have had WAY TOO MUCH SUGAR.
14. Mix a little bit of the frosting in a bowl with red food coloring. Mix it until it looks like blood. Be amazed at how much it REALLY looks like blood.
15. Get your hand all in the blood mixture and then throw the mixture all over your cookies in a spatter like manner.
16. Get so caught up in your spattering that you’re spattering the whole back wall of your kitchen and getting it all over your face.
By now your cookies and hand should look like this
17. Try to wash the “blood” off your hands only to realize it’s not coming off any time soon.
18. Forget about your hands and take some pictures of your cookies.
The final product should look like this
19. Get in the car with your husband to go out to dinner. Look at the shock on his face when he has to tell you that you have “blood” on your face.
20. Sit down at dinner and worry how many people think you have blood-stained hands.
21. Come home to eat cookies with the realization you’d never get away with murder.
22. Eat a cookie to find out if it’s disgusting. Eat another even if it is.
Now that I’ve told you how NOT to make crime scene cookies, how will you make them? Would you bring these cookies to a holiday gathering?
